7 years ago, I should be dead. Why allow me to continue my suffering here with you dude.

The older I get, the greater the impact.

Pain. Helpless. Pathetic.

I always like to do things that I'm good at to bring my self esteem up, each time I feel very useless. But I really don't know what I'm good at already. My confidence level is dropping.. O's in 16 days. I dont know what to feel anymore.

Sick.

:(

Guess I'm here this time round to rant.. again. So I got back all of my prelims result this week and I think I sort of screw it. I know 20 points for R5 is not say extremely bad, but it's way more than my target. It's like I always dont deserve what I work hard for. I know that sometimes things don't work out the way we want it even though we work hard for it and all we have to do is to stand up and try again and again and again. But look, talk is cheap, so cheap. It's like the last 32 days I guess. And I'm like at a helpless state. I don't know if it's PMS or what, but my mood is way too dull. I was never like this, I don't like that shag face of mine either. But I'm just too bothered. Guess I've really changed, I was never ever bothered about my results at all..

For now, I'm really considering rejecting my DSA to HCI. A twenty pointer entering HCI is a major joke. It sounds stupid, but I really don't want to enter such elite school and allow people to look down on me. I don't deserve a place there. I really need a break, I don't want to waste my fucking life studying. I really don't want to sound pathetic. But I'm way too helpless..

Sucks big time.

Honey cheesy apple pie

Sup, it's been so long, again. I've actually lost touch of blogging. Oh well, let's see. I've been working kind of hard these few weeks. And I swear I've never work so hard in my entire life, and maybe i'm gonna say that 2 years later.

I fucking miss everyone and everything. It's like I want to go back to 5 months ago, when I'm heavily involve with basketball. I'm happier. I can see all the smiles around me. What's happening now is alittle worst than I've expected. Time is passing way too fast. I'm graduating in 3-4 weeks time. That's it, 10 years of education.

What's worst, I'm only left with 2 months break. Freaking 2 months before I enter college. Ok, college is kind of a big word to me now. Sometimes, I really don't wish to grow up :( sometimes, I hope that I wouldn't lose certain people. Sometimes, I wish I can take things naturally. Sometimes, I wish I'm not Pamela .. Ohwells, wake up Pam.

Y'know at some point in time, you will realise that there are some people who can mean so much to you? #justsaying

"You meet someone. You two get close. It's all great for awhile. Then someone stops trying. Talk less. Awkward conversations. The drifting. No communication whatsoever. Memories start to fade. Then that person you know becomes that person you KNEW. That's how it usually goes, right? Sad isn't it. " - Unknown

So true isn't it. Those that deserves, will stay I guess. Pam oh pam, You just got to adapt to changes. Everyone's adapting except for you.

Just, close one bloody eye.

Fate

You know as time pass, as things changes, as destiny is made, I'm really afraid that I might just lose everyone at the end of the day. But that's something that can't be help. Everyone ought to leave each others life someday. Just someday. So who's gonna stay? I can't predict, I can't do anything.

Just tired.

Ok, I know the above photo is unglam but that's like the best photo that I can use to talk about this special day.

Today is kind of a special day to me. Alright, let me start from the beginning.

So few weeks back, Mr goh met me and told me about us having the need to run this year's sports fiesta due to the lack of councillors. I gotta admit that I was kind of 'sian' at first as we've like step down and we have to do this again. So yeah, I spent 3 nights with Hakim on msn to do the scheldue and everything to make this whole thing run smoothly. It was kind of complicating.

Today is the day, we met super early. And I was really happy to get full attendance despite the fact that we have already stepped down. So we set up everything, finish the frist round of the floorball games and it starts to drizzle. Then heavy downpour. Yeap, everything have to stop and all of us were like 'saving' each other and seeking shelter at the tentage.

So there's this plan made by our principal to move everyone to the assembly area. And hence the councillors started taking the initiatives and we start our so call umbrella parade. It was kind of tiring but it's just awesome. Not exactly fun, but awesome! I don't know what kind of feeling is this, like I'm proud of the councillors, I'm proud to be a councillor.

Everything ended with the last council cheer which was damn bloody loud. Man, I feel like crying after that. It's like a family.

This shall be one of the best days in 2011

Woahhhhhhhhh.. I just realised that I've not land here for a very long time. How's everyone? lol. So.... well, my exams are over. Got back my results and it's like, so far so bad. Damn it, but it's ok, I'm good at comforting myself. Take this as a form of a wake up call, and clarify my doubts. I've got like less than 14 weeks which is seriously very little.

So yeah, I'll be slogging like mad in the last 14 weeks. 3 more months of pain, and I'll get the pride in my O level cert forever. HANG IN THERE EVERYONE!

Yeah, I know I've been away for 10 days. Away from the Internet. Hmm, actually not really, I've been refreshing my twitter timeline over and over again. Though I said I'm gonna quit twitter at the beginning of the week, but look I'm still refreshing the timeline. Lol, social network is a killer. And I'm kind of unhappy at the fact that the world is revolving around technology. And it sort of isolate people from each other. It's like you can go out with a group of friends, who's all holding on to an iphone and exercising their finger.

So for the past few days, I've been observing the changes in me and everything that happened over the years. When we were so much younger, all we want is to be able to grow older, being able to hang out more often. But for now, after I;ve grown much older, I realise that time is so limited and that it is not so easy hanging out anymore. We are afraid of awkward moments, we are doubtful about everything under the sun. That's human's nature right.

I used to be the sort of person who initiates alot, but soon after, I got tired. Back then, was I even like that? The truth is, people around me makes me tired, makes me want to leave. And I gotta confess that I lose people easily, and when I try to get them back, it's alittle too late. And I'm refering to no one in particular. That's the problem with me, I can't accept too much cons in a person. But if I were to put myself in their shoes, I'm no better. Or perhaps even worst. If I were pamela loh's friend, I wouldn't tolerate her. Thinking about that, I'm actually not a very lovable person.

Y'know in the past, I always think that I'm a more matured sort of person as compared to people of my age because of my family background and all the shits I go through. But I'm sooo wrong. It's like this background, makes me so judgemental and I sort of give myself "rules". My family, is so judgemental. They comment about each other and I see that there's dislikeness. I tried not to fall in, but eventually I did. And that at the end of the day, makes me lose people around me. Take my dad as an example, with all the negative remarks, I tried to believe that he's not that sort of person. But because of one minor mistake he made, that made me so mad, I ignored him for 3 months. I tried forgiving, but I can't. And to think about it, it's gonna be even worst in the future.

I used to have a certain limit of pride in myself, but now, I'm giving in and giving in. Because I can't afford to lose people anymore. And I really don't know the actual meaning of getting it back. It's just me you see. I dislike changes. Sometimes I just want have a thought of wasting my life away and be useless, but sometimes I really thought of becoming a useful person. I don't see what's ahead of me.

I feel angry all the time. Every single time. I'm dying to get everything off my chest. I'm dying for a reborn!

Situation change, people change, life changes. Something is bothering me.

As you can see, I was having fun. Yeap, indeed it was fun. Went Kuta Kinabalu for a 4D3N trip. It was good though I didn't do any shopping at all. Honestly, I prefer this kinda trip compared to shopping. You know, just Chill at the beach. So I went to some Island for water sports on the 2nd day and up to the mountain top on the 3rd day. Sun burns and all. Though my bro isn't those very beachy sort of person, I still manage to watch the sea for alittle while. And I like that.

My wish is fufilled. Love my parents for letting me have a getaway. Everything is so good, I love this trip. Beautiful sky, beautiful beaches, awesome food, awesome live performance at Hotel Lobby at night. But just lack of a right companion. ;) Something bad is that I actually brought my notes with me, and I manage to scan through alittle. Suckkkk.

And it was a mistake to go online. Hate the fact that I'm so dependent on technology.

But still, I'm happy and I feel so much better when I study. Enjoy the last week of your holidays people!

You know, when the principal told us that our mid-year will be after our june Holidays, I was kind of happy with that decision. But to think of it now, and to experience it now, it sort of suck. Bcos there's no one to drill us and our holiday is spent procastinating at home. And tada, it's exam time, there goes our holidays. :( So saddening.

Anyway, i was looking through all of the photos that I took in 2010 and WOW, I didn't know that being a O level student could make such a huge difference in my life! Like there's no council, no trainings, no matches. I miss every single one of it!! Now I understand what it meant by, people will only appreciate things that they lose.

For the pass 4 days, I've been doing and doing maths, and maths and maths. It's tiring, especially when I stay at home for the pass 4/5 days. And it suck, because I just sit there and watch the time passes, watch the sun set. I wanna head out to ball and do what teens do man! sigh, tough being a singaporean student. Well, face the fact pam.

Next up, I would like to complain about how BIG SIZE I AM NOW (DONT WANT TO USE FAT) I look at the photos, man, I USED TO have hour glass figure you know!!! And now what, after a few days of munching on titbits, well donez.

Looking through the photos, i realise how much i've grown. My eyes are getting uglier due to the lack of sleep. My hair is getting shorter. Hahaha, Do you feel different seeing me in my short hair as compared to my long hair? bcos I don't feel any different. haha.

Ok, I should just sleep now. Nightz blogger.com

Mamamamama, I need food, i want food. Maybe it's pre-menstrual cravings. All the time, before my period comes, I will crave for all kinds of food. And I'll be freaking hungry. Anwww, Life's a bore. Everyday I'm studying ~ andd

LIFE'S A BORE
LIFE'S A BORE
LIFE'S A BORE!

Hahaha, I think I'm not in the right mind now. Wellz, this week is a math week, next week will be a science week before I fly to KOTA KINNABALU for a short Getaway. Where's that? sounds far? It's just Malaysia. But still, it's a beachy place. And mua love beachy place. Hope it's not as boring as Bali trip. Hiak hiak. Alright, guess i'm gonna study alittle before I head out to study alone.

Ciaoz

Some things are just not worth trying.

Well well well, I had so much fun yesterday! With some lovely girls to celebrate Jovita's birthday at Marina Barrage. And I gotta say that Kite flying is really not easy!

Anyway, so here's what happen. On 1june the girls came over to have pre baking session with my mum. So we tried baking 3 colours cake, while my mum bake her durian cake. It was fun! So the outcome of our cake was pretty alright, and it's really anyhow kind. We measured all of the ingredients and we just anyhow mix. Like if we see it's too watery, we add more flour. If it's too dry, we add more milk. haha.

Then on friday 3June, they came over again to bake the cake and do the birthday board. So we baked brownie and the 3 layers cake. However, while baking the second layer of the coloured cake, the porcelain plate in my oven broke. It was so screwed! So we got no choice but to cycle to Jingyi's place to cake the second layer before cycling back to my house. The process was so tiring, but it's awesome.

So yesterday, was the surprise. We headed to Marinan Barrage for the celebration plus kite flying and pot luck. Haha. It was raining puimao and puidog in the morning. But all thanks to my singing, the rain stopped. Ok, I really don't know how to describe the fun, but it was just, fun!!! hahah

Ohya, and we headed to Qiannhu for fish Spa. It was frigging itchy and zomg. A test to my guts. because I tried the bigger fishes kind. And their mouth is as big as my tumb print! Well, it was a day well spent like a tourist, though I didn't do any work on that day. Hehe, time to study hard!

Let's do it Pam.

I think I sound alittle too angry on my previous entry. But well, though I'm still a little nuts, I'm feeling better now. Especially when my chinese paper is over. Well, it's not tooo bad, it was alright. But you know, all along, the answer key and I just can't click. Just hope for the best, I believe my hard work would pay off.

Anyway, to keep my 30/5 Chinese paper memorable, I shall just post it up. So in the morning, When I was about the leave house, I saw my mum waiting for me at the door step and said " come, i fetch you to school", aww how lucky, second time in my life, i'm sitting my mum's car. k whatever, back to the point. So when I reached school, I drank the coffee that my mum buoght the day before, and it's a brand that I've never tried. So the coffee is actually high in milk. Being nervous, and bcos of the coffee I had a very bad diarrhoea :( so baddd. So yeah, sat for the paper and I think I'm crazy to actually do the situational writing that I've never tried.

If I get an A2, I'm gonna but 3 packets of tissue from the auntie outside Yewtee Mrt, and run a 10km marathon. Ok, don't mark my words. So yeah, I finished one paper and it felt as if O's over. Then headed out to ball with some of my primary school peeps, it's awesomezzzz. I miss balling, life was so much better when I have basketball :(

So now, my whole body is aching from head to toe and I need to wake up in 7 hours time for lessonz. Me no like mua holidayz.

Ok back to reality. This world is ugly. haha

Cheeebong bong bong bongggg. I re-read all my posts till April 2010. I myself, saw the contrast between my 2010 posts to my 2011 posts. You see, I used to be humorous(maybe) in my blog posts, cracking little jokes. But right now, my posts are most of the time short, with very upset words and sentences. It's like I'm using different platforms to rant my unhappiness, to vent my anger. Tell me what's up with me.

I USED TO enjoy life so much, and the word to emphasise on is USED TO. No, it's not the problem of growing up. It's the problem of understanding and knowing how bad the situation is. How bad, this whole problem is. Realising what it's gonna happen in the future. Yes, it's all about my past. I kept having nightmares, dreamt that I went back to my past, in that house. Facing people that makes me upset. Having to face all these problems ALL BY MYSELF.

Fucked up, everything. You know, throughout my life, I wouldn't let anything affect my character in school. But on that particular day, I felt ... it's like I can't get back up at all.

This isn't the Pamela I knew.

Pam oh pam. Sometimes you gotta learn how to put the past behind and not live in your own shadow.

Pam oh pam, you're taking your MT paper in 2 days time and you shouldn't get distracted.

Pam oh Pam, do you even know what you want in life?

That's all, Goood bye

SICK.TIRED.WEAK.

Alright, so today marks the last chapter, or maybe last page of my journey being in Team Unity. This journey wasn't easy, but it was definitely and fruitful and awesome one. Remember how I entered this team, remember how this team mada a different in me. I gotta say that without this team, I would be a totally different person. It's funny how the word LAST affected me so much. How all the memories make my tears flow down naturally. Yesterday and today, was memorable, was tearful.

The day before our battle, we went over to Nana's place to analyze the game as well as some motivational talk by our beloved captains. You see, the moment I watched the video that Xf made two years ago, I teared. Or in fact, i cried. That year, was bad, was memorable. Was something that no words can decribe. Revisiting that moment, all those memories just have to flash pass my head. All of us cried like cry babies. But tell me, when are we going to cry like that again?

Today, before the match, all of us had a common dream, a common goal. We were full of hopes, singing and laughing. Upon reaching the stadium, everything felt as per normal. Ok, maybe a little nervous. Throughout the match, we were losing them. Till a moment when we had a tie, tadah, the hope is there again. So during the 3rd quarter, our only point guard fouled out. On the beginning of 4th quarter, another player foul out. So naturally, all of us were worried, but it made me want to fight even harder. Well, at the end, we lost by 6 points.

I don't know how to describe that feeling. It's like, I'm sad that we lost, I'm sad that this is my final game. I'm sad that I'm leaving this coach. I'm touched that coach did not even shout at me today at all, but just kept motivating me. I'm sad that we did not reach our aim. I'm sad that I'll never have this feeling again, just how much i love this team.

It is my honour and glory to have these team mates. I've never ever regretted participating in every training, in every suffering, in fact it was a blessing. I've never regretted spending so much time on this game throughout my secondary school life. Without this game, I would not have this team.

Thank you to each and everyone of you, who made this day such a memorable one. Team mates, Nana, Xiaofei, Olivia, Nana's mum, teachers, friends and classmates. I feel so bless, to have every single one of them with me.

This is it, LAST prize presentation.